The New England Classic
Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?
NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall... Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?

NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall Street, sophomore Devin Gattison (MCAS ‘18) firmly reminded himself that he’s basically in CSOM, okay? Gattison, who deeply regrets not applying to be in CSOM his senior year of high school and holds an incredible amount of suppressed anger toward Boston College for not allowing him to transfer into CSOM from MCAS, has recently been dealing with a lot of apprehension and insecurity about his economics major—but he’s going to make the most of it, got it? With course registration just around the corner, Gattison reports he is trying his best to create his own “academic path” through Boston College and finagle his way into as many CSOM classes as possible, because he’s just as good as any CSOM candidate for Bank of America’s or JP Morgan’s summer analyst programs, understand? He is going to succeed, even if the cards are stacked against him, isn’t it obvious? Meanwhile, he has yet to acknowledge that, as a student in MCAS, he needs to pass language at the intermediate level to complete the core requirement. Gattison argues that “no one needs Spanish on Wall Street—give me another math class! Business is all about efficiency and cutting costs. I’m not here to waste my time. No quiero aprender español, quiero ganar dinero!” Gattison, who reportedly reads The Wall Street Journal “as often as a Jesuit reads the Bible,” firmly believes that his dedication to business will make him stand out in interviews, because he’s going to outperform all those so-called “smarter” CSOM kids in the 4th-ranked business school in the country in interviews soon, okay? Got it? Do you understand? His econ major will not hold him back! He is going to sit as a desk his whole life, and he is going be rich! At press time, an unnamed sophomore had easily transferred into Lynch.

 

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