Apparently unaware that it’s possible to have two majors and a minor, Ed Stillman (MCAS ‘17) reportedly only has one major—philosophy—and isn’t planning on adding another anytime soon.
“We’re worried about poor Ed and his apparent apathy for his own well being,” said his friend Tommy Flapjacks (MCAS ‘17), who has his sights set on graduating with a double-major in communication and psychology and a double-minor in international studies and film.
“He says that he enjoys philosophy, despite the copious amount of reading and lack of a pre-professional focus, and he believes that it’s important to follow his passions and believes his career and everything will just eventually fall into place. What the fuck, am I right? I love Ed as a roommate and a friend, but this unmotivated piece of shit needs to get his act together. If he cared even a sliver about reaching his full cognitive and financial potential, he would at least add a minor or two. Does he know how much his parents are shelling out for tuition? The sacrifices they’re making for him to set foot on this campus? If I were his father, I would cut off his meal plan until he came to his senses.”
At press time, Stillman was applying to law school and mapping out all the sweet electives he could take to broaden his worldview and fulfill the Jesuit ideal of educating his entire mind, body, and soul.