Conspiracy Theorists Believe In Existence of Fr. Leahy
Chestnut Hill, MA — The United States has a long and proud history of conspiracy theories: Tupac is still alive. The government faked the 1969 Apollo moon landing. The IRS tells the truth. For Boston College Eagles, one recent conspiracy theory hits close to home: A group calling themselves W.A.F.F.L.E (We All Firmly Feel Leahy Exists) is currently perpetuating the belief that Fr. Leahy, SJ, the president of Boston College, exists.
Their provocative mission statement claims that they have strong evidence to believe that “Fr. Leahy is a real human being that lives and breathes air on planet Earth.” While W.A.F.F.L.E remains a minority group on campus, they can be found meeting weekly in Carney Hall, discussing the best strategies to capture Leahy on film. W.A.F.F.L.E keeps a close eye on the campus’ grass and rich parents, since “Leahy loves grass and big donations — everyone knows that.”
“I know he exists, I feel it in my bones,” said Eggo Martin, president of W.A.F.F.L.E and WZBC-FM DJ, while wearing a full-body ghillie suit in the bushes on Beacon Street. “My father Belgian was a Leahy hunter, and his father Cinnamon before him. It’s an honor to carry on the family tradition. This is the year we catch the man behind the myth, and prove to the rest of the world that he truly exists. I’m tired of being cast as a loon. This is our time! Come out, come out, wherever you are, Bill!”
At press time, W.A.F.F.L.E only has sketches of Leahy, which they have given us permission to reprint (seen below). W.A.F.F.L.E also wanted The New England Classic to pass the word along that they have a meeting tomorrow night at 7:30 in Carney 204, and there will be free pizza. All you’re required to bring is “an open mind, a sense of adventure, and night vision goggles — real ones, not that Amazon knockoff bullshit.”
(If you have information about the whereabouts of Fr. Leahy, please email [email protected])