BC to Auction off Amy Poehler’s Rejected Alumni Event RSVPs
In an effort to fundraise for next year’s fresh grass, the Fr. Bill Feahy, SJ, invisible president of the university, has announced that Boston College will be auctioning off Amy Poehler’s (MCAS ‘93) rejected RSVPs to alumni fundraising events. In recent years the school has reached out to Poehler via Twitter, Facebook, and even Snapchat (hoping The Mods geofilter would instil even the slightest bit of nostalgia for the detached grad).
Despite Boston College’s best efforts, Poehler, a member of My Mother’s Fleabag during her tenure on the Heights, still hasn’t shown up to any alumni gatherings. Having exhausted all avenues trying to get money from Poehler, the school has decided to work with the only thing Amy has given back: the word “no.” The school has reportedly collected all of these cards with the hopes that fans will pay top dollar for Amy’s own* signature and sloppily written “no” next to the option of chicken or fish entree.
“I mean this is new grass we’re asking for here” John Pally, chairmen of the Alumni Board, commented, “It’s as Parks and Recreation as it gets, I don’t see why she refuses.”
Pally intends that the loophole may actually be more profitable than any donation from the comedy star: “Suddenly, we’ve reached a whole new market of her fans. We can even save resources, not having to waste our time and money giving the Jesuit-values schpeel we normally give to prospective donors.”
Father Feahy signed off on the idea, but is still unhappy with Poehler’s lack of participation with BC: “Did Amy forget everything she learned in PULSE already?! Life is about giving, accepting others, and speaking out against injustices. What about that doesn’t she understand?” Father Feahy said while shredding a stack of LGBTQ resource center petitions and protest permission slips.
Also currently being auctioned off is a leftover Doug Flutie bobble-head, a vintage Men’s Resource Center poster, and a night of dinner and dancing with Ana from Eagle’s Nest.
*possibly her assistant’s signature, confirmation unreceived.