BC Football Blows So Hard They Create Low Pressure System Over New England

ALUMNI STADIUM — After BC Football choked with only minutes left in the 4th quarter against Virginia Tech on Saturday, meteorologists immediately noticed a massive low-pressure system forming directly above Alumni Stadium. BC Football simply blew so hard that it completely altered the atmospheric pressure of the entire Northeastern United States.

“Normally a nor’easter requires warm Atlantic air colliding with cold Canadian air,” said Professor Hugh Midtitty, drawing from EESC2206: Environmental Systems curriculum. “This type of swiftly developing storm hasn’t been observed before, but a sufficiently catastrophic event, like a disastrous fourth quarter performance, may achieve the same effect.”

Despite the fact that these storms typically follow a south to north trajectory, meteorologists noticed something unusual about this one. After forming above the 50-yard line at Alumni, it rushed directly east at 50 miles per hour, as if it had a target. Eventually, the rapid nor’easter system reached its peak intensity right as it came into brutal contact with Northeastern University.

Back on campus, the relentless hurricane-force storm caused the Res to overflow, flooding lower campus and forcing students in the Mods, and 1st floors of 2150, Walsh, Vandy, and 90 to evacuate to higher grounds. This emergency relocation resulted in dozens of seniors asking upper campus residents if they could stay the night and then verbally assaulting them for meal plan money. Most affected by this influx was Kostka, which saw a great influx of senior men.

Professor Midtitty says conditions may improve once BC Football “stops blowing, which, unfortunately, is not expected to occur in the near future.”

At press time, Head Football Coach Bill O’Brien promised The New England Classic that the team is training hard for next week. He stated that they just need to “execute better,” prompting the National Weather Service to issue a precautionary storm watch for the greater Dallas area ahead of the BC-SMU game this Saturday.

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