Tsunami Doomsday Preppers Convince Students To Walk Around Campus In Goggles

GASSON QUAD — Over the past few days, writers at The New England Classic have observed something strange happening amongst the upper-unc student body. A new fashion trend on the rise? Everybody heading out for a swim in the Res after class? Sunglasses bought on TikTok Shop?

Hundreds of students have been seen hitting the Plex, sitting in class, and dining at the Rat, all while wearing goggles on their big, fat foreheads. We sent our reporters to the quad to find out why.

One student, Fearmon Gurrer (MCAS ‘26), stated: “A major tsunami is hitting Chestnut Hill in under 72 hours, haven’t you heard?” 

Gurrer claimed that someone knocked on his door and warned him that goggles were the only way to stop being swallowed by the big wave that was ahead. Gurrer also told the Classic that he began walking around with a $5 plastic water gun, just in case. 

The next student who spoke with the Classic was Phall Ower (CSOM ‘28), who told our reporters that she “didn’t speak with anyone else about it,” but started wearing goggles because everyone else was doing it. 

At press time, reporters were caught in the crossfire of one student, adorned with goggles, shooting another with a water gun, the victim goggles-less. Due to this violence, the Classic could not conduct any more interviews, and have concluded that Tsunami Doomsday Preppers are the ones driving this campus-wide frenzy. If anyone has further information or insight into this issue, please email [email protected].

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