Boston College Announces Plans To Open New Satellite Campus In Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland

ITTOQQORTOORMIIT, GREENLAND — As part of President Donald J. Trump’s plan to annex Greenland, Trump has been working to establish an educational institute in the soon-to-be 51st state. In search of a school that would teach his patriotic curriculum, Trump contacted University President Father William P. Leahy S.J., about expansion possibilities on the island. Boston College was selected due to Fr. Leahy’s admirable efforts to silence free speech and restrict support for LGBTQ+ communities. After careful deliberation, President Trump selected Boston College to open a satellite American campus on the world’s largest island. 

When asked about his plan for the satellite campus, President Trump said, “we just, we just, what you need to understand is we have concepts of a plan. It will be very big, huge, the largest fake campus you have ever seen. Everyone keeps asking me, Donald, why Greenland? What you need to understand is I have already fixed America, I just, we must go larger and imperialize, I mean conquer, I mean acquire the Iceland, I mean Snowland, wherever they filmed Frozen place.” 

Freshmen enrolling at Boston College will no longer reside on Newton or Upper Campus. First-year students will reside in Ittoqqortoormiit and take a short flight to Chestnut Hill every morning. The chartered flights will cost the university millions of dollars. Rather than utilizing the university’s $4.3 billion endowment, Boston College will cut all women’s sports and begin charging a Protestant Enrollment Tax. 

The Leahy-Trump-Diddy Dining Commons (LTDDC) will be the campus’ only permanent building (students will sleep in temporary tents and shacks). The LTDDC will serve wholesome American meals including raw walrus milk, Mattak (whale skin and blubber), and Kiviak (seal stuffed with fermented birds). 

Additionally, students can opt into the Qulimiguulik Living and Learning Community. Qulimiguulik which means “one that spins” refers to the community’s roommate shuffling program. Students of the opposite sex will room together and change rooms every night with the intention of increasing the population of the island.

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