McMullen Exhibit Looks Oddly Familiar: NEC Investigates The Heist
Big IssuesCampus Culture October 22, 2025 The New England Classic
MCMULLEN MUSEUM OF ART — Sunday, October 19, 2025 at 9:30 A.M., a great tragedy struck: the McMullen is now… relevant. It has come to our attention that the collection of jewels stolen from the Louvre has been found in McMullen’s new exhibition named “Oui didn’t steal ts.”
In response to this crisis, detectives at the Classic have begun investigating the situation—a credible source as they bring great experience having recently binged the Ocean’s One through Eleven.
The Classic has narrowed the suspects to three final culprits. Below, we present the findings:
Boston College Football Team
Why we suspect them: They needed to feel something after losing to UConn
Motive: They thought the money could be used to bribe recruits
Additional Arguments: They clearly have not been busy practicing “how to win football games.”
Holes in the Argument: Makes too much sense. Also… they walk too slowly in the halls to get away with a heist of this magnitude.
The Heights
Why we suspect them: When talking about the “heist,” we accidentally said “heights” and ran with it.
Motive: They did it for publicity, and revenge, after the BC Republicans scandal.
Additional Arguments: The jewels stolen are “priceless” because members of the Heights did not feel like doing research on the actual price.
Holes in the Argument: They mentioned us in an article that one time which was cool, so they like probably wouldn’t do something like that.
Campus Activities Board (CAB)
Why we suspect them: We lowkey just fucking hate them.
Motive: They needed even more money to fund their retreat.
Additional Arguments: We already audited CAB so they probably think they are in the clear.
Holes in the Argument: They are too busy scouting the next Stokes Set artist that no one has ever heard of.
After multiple long, sleepless nights, detectives at the Classic have finally reached a verdict:
The Heights did it.
