Fitz And The Tantrums! Why Is My Ex Situationship Playing Stokes Set?

STOKES LAWN — It’s that time of year again for eager-eyed freshmen and washed up seniors alike to flock to Stokes lawn on a Saturday night and watch their favorite band (they know one song) perform an hour long set best described as “electric.” However, this year, for self proclaimed feminist and art history major Matt Cha (MCAS ‘28) the weekend holds a particular sting.

Cha often has a hard time finding out about on-campus events since deleting all social media except for Fizz. He claims it’s so he can “unsubscribe from the monotonous drone of capitalism while still keeping a finger on the pulse of the community,” so he tends to turn to the aforementioned app when looking for such information. Cha found out about Stokes Set while looking up details for the performative male contest, another coveted event happening on Stokes lawn this week.

When asked what he thought about the Campus Activities Board’s choice of performers, Cha shared with the Classic these valuable insights: “I think it’s kind of weird that CAB would ask that chick I hooked up with a few times last year to perform. At least that’s what I think Fitz and the Tantrums is? I mean she lived in Fitzpatrick Hall and she was such a bitc—” at this point in the interview, Cha seemed to panic so we allowed him five minutes to regather himself (all of which our staff noted he spent reading a paperback copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar that he pulled from his back pocket while listening to music through wired headphones). 

Continuing after the break, Cha finished by saying, “I would never call a woman crazy, I swear, but this girl… WOMAN, was sort of always tweaking if you know what I mean. Anyway, I didn’t know she did music or whatever but good for her.” 

Our staff has since informed Cha that “Fitz and the Tantrums” is the group responsible for the songs “Hand Clap” and “Out of My League,” to which he pumped his fist and exclaimed “I love that shit! So underground and like deep.” 

Our staff has found the whereabouts of the alleged “situationship” who has informed us that Cha and herself were in an exclusive relationship that began during welcome week and ended in mid June due to Cha’s “personal journey towards self realization.”

At press time, Cha was seen talking about Clairo to a young woman, whom the Classic is fairly sure also lived in Fitzpatrick Hall her freshman year. 

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