LTE: Service Club Rejected Me, Now I’m Never Helping Anyone
Campus CultureLTEService October 1, 2024 The New England Classic
EMPTY DONATION BASKET — As the club recruiting season comes to an end, emerging leaders have been anxiously awaiting for extracurricular “return offers” to pad their resume. Albert Trooism (MCAS ’27) has spoken to the Classic on the increased participation in service clubs and its discriminating consequences for the super-humanitarian and common-good-focused students on campus:
Dear NEC,
I, a self-proclaimed servant for others, feel the time has come to address the service COC (crisis on campus). I have recently received word from various on-campus service organizations that my applications have been “enthusiastically yet apologetically redirected,” AKA — rejected. In my humble nature, I had hoped to join arms in defending the less fortunate from common threats (lack of knowledge on the Riff Off, Twilight Saga being stripped from Netflix, climate control, etc.), but I fear my calling has been disturbingly dismantled. This slap to the face made me fear that the COC was much bigger than I thought.
I truly would not consider myself a person of unrealistic expectations, as if I ritually base my daily attitude off my Bitcoin. I was prepared to face rejection from some of the more up and coming clubs I applied to: Moon Landing Conspirators, Reaganomics Fandom, Swingers Appreciation (NO DANCING ALLOWED), etc. Imagine my utter shock when I received word of refusal from clubs such as Hanging Out with Fuglies, Musical Instruments for the Starving, and Up-to-Date Fashion for the Homeless.
Well, let’s just say the message has been heard loud and clear. It has been made absurdly apparent that you Mother Theresa cosplayers have proven to be the most selective of them all, but I suppose “mother knows best.” I say with complete confidence that these service selectors will rue the day they deemed me unfit to perch atop their ivory tower. As a natural empath, I have decided to adopt a three-point plan in order to channel the hatred and spite that surround me, specific shoutout @speedyleggedstudentstrappedbehindslowassmofos.
1. Contamination Courtesy
Honestly, this is just a big “fuck you” to any and all students who require dietary services. What are dietary accommodations? Aid services. What will I never do again? Aid anyone. If a nut can take you out, you were never truly in.
2. Fake News
Wish it were true? Well, now the jokes on you. Discounted Addie’s if you say code “icreamforqueso” to Lower Live workers. Residential Life decides to clear the castle. Winter heaters installed in million dollar stairs to shy away from students eating shit (definitive social suicide).
3. Unreciprocated Sharing
Aside from service, BC prides themselves on the community-centered campus they strive to foster. In this nature, the phrase “sharing is caring” has never been so prevalent. So, you mobile ordered a matcha to the Chocolate Bar? No, WE ordered, so as communal property, I picked it up before my 9 A.M., thanks champ! Another of my repeated SOS (sights of sharing) is the Walsh lobby. I borrow Doordash meals from there like there’s no tomorrow #communalspace=nowaste! I’ve realized it all comes down to perspective, so once you shift yours, the world is truly your oyster.
