MCELROY COMMONS — In a shocking new announcement, CAB has unveiled its latest student event: “Hunt Your Own Dinner.” Beginning on Friday, April 30th, students who want dinner will be required to hunt for any of the 10,000 wild animals CAB has released across campus. “Hunt Your Own Dinner” will, of course, be preceded by an afternoon event titled “Carve Your Own Spear.”
Sick Anne Twisted (MCAS ’22), the CAB mastermind behind the planning, is thrilled about the event. She told the Classic, “I’ve always been, like, super into killing small animals, and it just feels so good to share my passions with the rest of the student body. The BC community is just so supportive, and I am so, so grateful to have this chance to absolutely impale rabbits and other small game with crudely sharpened sticks. And on such a beautiful campus.”
And it’s not just students that are getting into the spirit of a premature hunting week; the administration has demonstrated adamant support. One higher-up told us that this event is “Wonderful, just wonderful! You know, I bet Jesus hunted for small game. In fact someone told me that after a long day of blah, blah, blah miracles he loved tearing into rabbits or weasels or whatever they have in Israel. It’s so rewarding to see student initiative like this! In fact, to show how much we support our student body in this endeavor we fired every single person who works in the dining halls… without severance!”
Other excited students have asked pertinent questions such as “What the fuck?,” “Can they do this?,” “Is this at all legal?,” and “Can I still get pesto?” to which CAB answered, “No, No, No, Yes!”
Spears up, Eagles!