Uh Oh: Coworker Who Seemed Cool Owns A Ton Of Mickey Mouse Shit
In a statement released yesterday, Sean Pants (CSOM ‘23) reported that while coworker Walter DisKnee (LSOE ‘21) seemed cool at first, he “kinda owned a fuck-ton of Mickey Mouse shit.” Pants, a recent hire at Flat Breads Cafe, came forward with his statement to authorities yesterday evening, as he felt that DisKnee’s behavior was unsettling enough to warrant a serious investigation.
“The first couple of shifts we had together, he was super chill,” said Pants. “We talked a lot about basketball and how much the manager sucks, just like regular work stuff. He even let me eat behind the counter!”
Not long after, however, Pants began noticing the more disturbing Disney-related aspects of DisKnee’s personality.
“At first it was just a few little things, like a Disney sticker on his water bottle and some Cars 2 socks,” said Pants. “But then one day he showed up for the shift in a pair of those headband-ears and it kinda felt a little off.”
Other coworkers reported noticing more about DisKnee’s strange behavior as well.
“After we worked together a few times, he asked me if I wanted to smoke with him sometime and I thought, ‘okay this kid can hang,’” said long-time Flatbread bread-head Don Shtick. “I didn’t think too much of it when he said we were ‘about to be transported to the Most Magical Place on Earth,’ but then he pulled out this Mickey Mouse-shaped bong. Where the hell did he even get that?”
Flatbread’s manager Dick Bread had also witnessed the intensity of DisKnee’s obsession.
“One day we were just hanging when he looked me dead in the eye and asked me if I was a Goofy-simp or a Mickey-Mouse-stan,” said Bread. “I just laughed and tried to change the subject, but he wouldn’t let it go. Then he pinned me against the wall and slapped me with one of Flatbreads signature Ranchero Wraps until I answered.”
At press time, DisKnee was unavailable for comment, as he was reportedly sighted In Orlando pushing young children out of the way to be first in line for “It’s A Small World. “