The New England Classic
Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine

Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine

WTF January 31, 2019 The New England Classic

Sources close to my roommate, Alex Milford (CSOM ’21), have reported that his parents, Jane (CSOM ’93) and Lawrence Milford (MCAS ’94) give him... Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine

Sources close to my roommate, Alex Milford (CSOM ’21), have reported that his parents, Jane (CSOM ’93) and Lawrence Milford (MCAS ’94) give him a monthly allowance. This information brings into question Milford’s recent assertion that he needed me to pay him back for the ketamine I stole from his drawers while he slept last Thursday night.

“Dude, that was my fuckin’ ket,” said Milford, who receives $400 from his parents on the first day of each month. “You can’t just take my shit like that. Now what am I supposed to do at Jenna’s birthday party next week? Just drink?”

While it’s true that I stole a total of 600 grams of prescription-grade ketamine from him after he went to bed, this was not my original intention. I had planned to decipher which method of consumption was the best way to do ketamine. However, after taking it orally, I was overcome with the urge to take more ketamine, this time by snorting and injecting it. I later realized that trying all three methods at once may have tainted the results.

In judging this situation, it is imperative to remember that: first:  Alex is rich as fuck, and second: since he got the money from his parents, I technically stole 600 grams of ketamine from them.

At press time, I will be Googling how to make ketamine in a dorm room.