Report: Skipping Class Not Even Fun Anymore
CHESTNUT HILL— According to recent data, an alarming new trend has established itself in the undergraduate community at Boston College: skipping class is reportedly “like, really not even that fun anymore.”
Brian Dead (MCAS ’22) told The Classic, “I was watching this movie the other day and these really cool kids were cutting class and smoking cigs and I was like, ‘wow that’s honestly sick as hell.’ I mean, I skip class all the time but at this point I don’t even enjoy it. I smoke cigs when I do it too but it’s from bed so it’s kinda just like, sad? And a fire hazard?”
It is clear that the NOVEL CORONAVIRUS has taken a huge toll on the morale of the BC student body. Barri Alive (CSOM ’23) said, “I used to skip class to hang out with my friends or go into Boston or something, but now I just stand really close to my window and stare into the sun. Sometimes I’ll bang my head against the wall for an hour just to feel something. Hopefully I’ll be completely blind by the end of the semester just so that I don’t have to see the sorry state of the world anymore.”
Many professors have reported that even students that do attend class are “hollow shells of their former selves, that have obviously lost all motivation and whose barely functioning consciousnesses are clawing them through each day with metaphorical fingernails, eagerly surrendering to the temporary death that sleep provides each night.”
Other professors report actually looking down on the students that choose to go to Zoom classes, with one saying, “Everything’s recorded. If I could skip these classes, I would. Grow up, get a life, and go get laid or something.”
At press time, hundreds of BC students were spotted laying face-down on the quad and crying.