OPINION: Dear White Buddhists,
Was it the incense that drew you in, and the fun beads that made you stay? Do you feel superior when you sit down at Thanksgiving with Uncle Thomas and Aunt Sarah to scoff at grace? Did you find the ideology just “so fascinating” that you needed to revamp your whole image? This would be totally understandable, but can the harem pants go? And when do you think you’ll get around to actually visiting a temple?
White Buddhists have gotten away with their bullshit for far too long. It’s one thing to be a garden-variety, store-brand Asian fetishist, but to make the massive shift from big-tiddy-anime-girls to big belly Buddha is deeply unsettling. Of course, these members of society are taking great labors to educate themselves on Buddhist faith through traditional and accurate methods — for the most part, podcasts and books hosted and written by other white Buddhists.
I even did some research, just to be sure.
“I just love Asian culture,” said John Dice (CSOM ’22). “It’s so vibrant! My dream for the future is to live in an Asian country. Which one? I don’t really mind, they’re all pretty much interchangeable anyways. I figured the best way to start assimilating now is to convert to Buddhism now.”
When notified that Buddhism has become mostly a cultural thing in East Asian countries, making it just a little weird for a white boy to be so into it, Dice simply shook his head.
“Actually, you’re wrong,” insisted Dice. “The podcast “Buddhism for Everyone with JoAnn Fox” tells me that there’s almost no cultural value to Buddhism because it is applicable to every single person’s life!” Dice then proceeded to abruptly end the interview, as he overheard passing students comment on their hardships in life. “Did you know that if you just put good energy into the universe, karmic retribution will make it come back into — hold up guys, stop walking so fast…”
There’s technically nothing wrong with being a Buddhist; however, the audacity to be white on top of that is just one step too far.