The New England Classic
“Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body

“Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body

Student Life October 3, 2017 The New England Classic

CHESTNUT HILL — The first fall of crumpled tissues blankets the campus. Droplets of influenza and ragweed are a-floatin’ through the crisp winter air. It’s... “Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body

CHESTNUT HILL — The first fall of crumpled tissues blankets the campus. Droplets of influenza and ragweed are a-floatin’ through the crisp winter air. It’s sneezy season here on the Heights and the noses be drippin’!

“Sorry, I’ve had, like, a really bad cough lately,” your red-eyed, inexplicably leaking roommate reports, clearly unaware that each of her coughs drives you closer and closer to smothering her soft, lily-white throat with your throw pillow. “Hope I haven’t been keeping you up at night!”

University Health Services issued their annual memorandum on influenza Monday, reminding students to wash their hands for 30 seconds under warm, soapy water, chase their shots with NyQuil, cover their nose and mouth with a tissue when they cough or sneeze, cover their mouths and noses with plastic bags, and bake their roommates at 225 degrees for at least 20 minutes to kill all harmful bacteria.

More importantly, Health Services recommends that you avoid close contact with sick people, even when those sick people are John and he’s wearing that flannel that smells like fall leaves and cinnamon. Also on the no-go list include Maddie’s handle of Rubi on the common room floor and the open salad bars in Lower, sorry ladies!

At press time, your eyes are just starting to water a little bit and your muscles are feeling suspiciously sore.


The campus flu clinic is being held TODAY by University Health Services from 10:00 am-4:30 pm in the Yawkey Center, Murray Family Function Room. If you are under 18, you can schedule an individual appointment with Health Services!

We're selling hats and t-shirts, this week only! Order something to support your independently funded satire pals :)Check it out!
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