CARNEY HALL — Campus Activities Board (CAB) kept in the holiday spirit Sunday when they announced their latest half-assed promotion, a Presidents’ Day mattress sale. The news comes on the heels of another thoroughly underwhelming matchmaking survey and weeks of similarly stale events thrown together by the club.
The sale, sponsored by Mattress Firm, will be held in the basement of Carney Hall and feature several floor models of mattresses for potential buyers to try out. CAB has also secured a variety of president-themed decorations, including wax figures of William Howard Taft and James K. Polk. A live Abraham Lincoln impersonator will reportedly be in attendance, too.
“We’re so happy to offer these amazing deals to BC students,” said CAB leader Katherine Serta (MCAS ’21). “After years of accusations that we mishandle our budget on concerts and pointless activities, we’re glad to have an actual money laundering scheme come to fruition.”
Student reaction was mixed, but some were genuinely excited by the opportunity. “This is gonna be a huge upgrade for me,” noted Michael Stearns-Foster (CSOM ’22). “For months my Tinder hookups have been disappointed by my second-hand mattress I found on a lawn in September. Now when they come to Foster, they can discover their unique SleepNumber right after we 69!”
The sale will also feature confiscated mattress toppers for students living on campus, as well as a buy-one-get-one sale on discarded dorm mattresses. “Get here early, or you might end up making a MegaBed out of stained Walsh rejects!” added Serta, dressed in a Betsy Ross outfit.
At press time, CAB was seen counting sheep.