Fuck It: We Ranked All The Books Of The Bible That We Could Remember Offhand

JOHN

Okay, we all know THIS is the best Bible. It has Jesus, Jesus’ little pals, and even two fish! We will award John $25 to Home Depot.

DEUTERONOMY

Uh-Oh! Dirty Bible! We remember this Bible because it is little more than a filthy carnival of the uncouth, and the way that God wants us to trim the tips of our faithful little peckers. Oh Lord! We gratefully trim our peckers for thee. We rate Sex Bible Second-Best Bible. They/Them will get $15 to Home Depot. 

DAVID

Congratulations, David. You are Third-Best Bible. You get $5 to Home Depot.

MARY

We’re pretty confident that there is a book of Mary. We remember her name. She is the only girl Bible! For this, and for Women, Mary will win a consolation prize of $5 Kohl’s Cash. 

MORMON

We’re sure about this one. It’s the first thing that comes to mind when you say “The Book Of.” Only three things are certain: death, taxes, and that this is definitely a Bible. It is such a good one, in fact, that they made it into a Broadway play. Again: we have not read the Bible, but if this book is anything like the others, sign us the fuck up.

REVELATIONS

We don’t know much about this Bible, but there are definitely ghosts and spookers in there. We are not sure what else is in it. We are not sure if we want to know. The Fortnite of Bibles. 

GENESIS

The Book of Genesis opens the Hebrew Bible with the story of creation. God, a spirit hovering over an empty, watery void, creates the world by speaking into the darkness and calling into being light, sky, land, vegetation, and living creatures over the course of six days. Many of the parables in Genesis serve to explain the origins of many Judeo-Christian traditions.

We rate this Seventh-Best Bible. 

EXORCIST

Did you guys know that Max von Sydow, who played the Exorcist in The Exorcist, also played Jesus in The Greatest Story Ever Told? We think that’s neat, and will award Exorcist $2.50 — not Kohl’s Cash or anything special, just enough so he can go get himself something nice. A pair of socks, perhaps.

2 CORINTHIANS

A plodding, dry, and entirely unnecessary sequel, which tramples the accomplishments of its beloved predecessor and sits among the bowels of budget-breaking rubbish. Barely worth a pair of socks. Maybe one shoelace. 

KEVIN

This is definitely the worst Bible. No socks for you, Kevin. 

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