90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of 9 vanilla and pineapple Rubinoff shots, with several Natty Lights interspersed between them, at a series of parties.
“Up until this morning, an aggressive episode of binge-drinking was a typical round of partying for me,” explained Flaunder. She elaborated further, saying that she began her night with a pregame for a club she barely participated in, went on to a vaguely Hawaiian-themed Walsh party, and ended her night with a birthday party in Vandy. Sources close to Flaunder have reported that she’s consistently been the life of the party, and partygoers often marvel at how well she can “handle her shit.”
“Back in Fitzpatrick or Keyes, I could drown myself in all sorts of poisons and feel chipper as a clam the next morning. This morning, I could barely stomach a plate of home fries. What happened to me?” questioned Flaunder, who will be of legal drinking age in the spring of 2020.
“I realize that I’m just not the spry 18-year-old that I used to be. This is who I am. This is my life now—I even threw up a little bit this morning. It hurts to admit it, but I believe my best days are behind me,” concluded a visibly embarrassed Flaunder, trudging toward the bathroom.
At press time, Flaunder was doing her best to ignore her liking of a 49-week-old post on her high school ex’s Instagram page.