O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from the 140-year-old tradition of handing out Boston College diplomas by hand, and has caused long lines and dire paper shortages at the limited number of print stations sprinkled around campus.
The unexpected announcement came at the end of Fr. Leahy’s annual Commencement speech, in which he encouraged graduates to continue leading noble and virtuous lives outside of the warm and fuzzy confines of Boston College. However, he also issued a warning to the Class of 2017: “Nobody in the real world is going to give you coddled children any more handouts, and that’s a lesson that Papa Bill is going to teach you today.”
While some campus environmentalists have applauded this new move towards a paperless Commencement, the overwhelming majority of graduates are furious about this surprise decision. Functioning print stations are in low supply on campus, and many students are unsure if they will be able to access their diplomas before their Eagle ID cards stop functioning.
“This printing system has turned my entire class into monsters,” explained Nicholas Zaneto (MCAS ‘17), a magna cum laude graduate who spent four hours waiting in line in O’Neill 3 before receiving a low-toner copy of his degree. “One minute we were all happily hungover on the Alumni turf, clapping and nodding along to Commencement well-wishes. Now we’re bludgeoning each other with three-hole punches just to see who gets the last good ink cartridge.”
The Boston College Police Department has reported a large spike in stapler and paper cut-related assaults in the last few hours, and some students have even resorted to the barbaric practice of venturing all the way up to O’Connell House in order to print in peace.
At press time, Fr. Leahy had just sent out a campus-wide email explaining that those unable to print their diplomas by the end of the day will be able to pay a $200 processing fee to arrange for a special home delivery service.