Lady Win! This Finance Major Is Slated To Be Her Own Sugar Daddy

FULTON HALL — Sabrina Connors (CSOM ’17) accepted a full-time offer from JP Morgan Chase at the Career Fair this past Wednesday. This is an incredible feat for Connors and an amazing example for all aspiring BC businesswomen to follow – almost as incredible as her underlying feminist victory: she plans on becoming her own sugar daddy.

Connors is set on breaking the glass ceiling without breaking the bank. She had intended to continue her internship at YikYak from her junior summer until she realized that its bitcoin salary could never support the luxurious lifestyle that she so desired. Suddenly terrified for her future, she began to click on the banner advertisements on PornHub. “I can’t imagine the thought of working 40 hours a week and not being able to afford Spotify premium.” said Connors, “That was where I drew the line.”

At first, the thought of being a sugar baby was not too unappealing to Connors. In her interview with The Classic, she remarked that the sugar daddies she was in contact with seemed like genuinely good guys – they were offering her prizes! And to pay her student loans! That’s awesome! However, after attending the Women’s’ March at Boston Common, she had a sudden change of heart. 

“Entire crowds of average-looking women were screaming ‘My body, my choice!’ – it was a concept I had never even thought of before. I was empowered. I was ready to fight the establishment.” stated Connors.
She then put on her most androgynous blazer and marched into the Career Fair with one goal in mind – to become her own sugar daddy. She, like the many feminist pioneers that came before her, achieved that goal. To quote the coffee mug from Marshall’s that your mother probably got you for Christmas, “She believed she could, so she did.”

At press time, Connors was typing in her credit card information on lululemon.com – the first of many times she will be found treatin’ herself.

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