Student Unable to Hear God’s Voice Due to Noise-Canceling Headphones
GASSON HALL — After years of skating through theology requirements and morning prayers during his tedious Catholic education, Chett Hoffdoden, CSON ’17 finally experienced the miracle of divine intervention as God’s voice came from the heavens to talk to him. Unfortunately, Chett was unable to hear God’s message because he was walking around campus and listening to The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside” through his dope new chrome Beats™ by Dre.
“I really thought he’d be way more excited. I mean, most people would kill for a chance to speak to me!” said God. “Well, they shouldn’t actually ‘kill’ to speak to me, obviously, I already told you guys that was a big no-no…but still, a little enthusiasm would be nice, ya know?” When asked if God had anything better to do than attempt to contact a 20-year-old, self-proclaimed atheist known for using pages from the Bible to roll his ‘doobies,’ God responded confusingly. “I don’t know, I had some spare time and just thought it’d be a fun to fuck with him. Can you imagine how freaked out he’d be? It would be hilario- I mean, it would be really satisfying to bring a lost sheep back to the Word of Me.”
We managed to catch up with Chett to ask his thoughts on the event while he was on his way to get a Steak & Cheese from Lower, still rocking those sweet-ass Beats™ by Dre. “What? No I don’t want to fucking donate to your stupid Arrupe trip!” We were unable to get in touch with Hoffdoden for any other comments as he snuck out the back door to avoid further harassment.
“I was even gonna let him say hi to his Nana, for My sake! He sure seemed to want to talk to me a whole bunch when she died!” God added. “Fine, whatever, I don’t deserve this kind of disrespect. That asshole is lucky I don’t plague his ass.”
At press time, Theology & Ministry student Kathy Olick ’16 is still awaiting her first encounter with God that extends beyond a vague metaphor her Liturgy & Worship professor keeps using in class.