4Newton Founded To Help Affluent Locals In Need

In a move lauded by local residents, the Boston College Volunteer and Service Learning Center (VSLC) today announced the formation of a radically new community service organization on campus entitled 4Newton. The new organization, an offshoot of 4Boston, offers a refreshing and innovative new concept to the community service experience: Members will be assigned service placements to assist the super wealthy residents of nearby Newton, Massachusetts.  

While the VSLC has not yet revealed the specific roles for Eagles serving in Newton, longtime do-gooders and service-trip-goers alike are hypothesizing that members of 4Newton will:

• Shops for groceries at Whole Foods
• Help families meet their monthly minimums at Brae Burn Country Club
• Remove golden retriever furs from the back of families’ BMWs
• Find families Hamilton tickets
• Brainstorm names for their children’s opti’s (sailboats) that are clever and create awareness for social issues
• Re-wax Barbour coats
• Babysit children after their Mandarin class but before piano lessons while mom is at her law firm and dad is closing on another Big Business Deal

“We really think that there are a lot of opportunities for students to be granted access to even more volunteering in the previously untouched Newton area,” said BC VSLC spokesman Jack Michael, who also noted that there are, in-fact, many lower-income households living in the town whose median income is $119,148. “There are a lot of folks in need over there who are only making $100,000, some of whom cannot even afford basic late-model European sports sedans,” Michelson added. “They need us.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” remarked CFO of Middleton Investments, Inc., Jim Habberdashington, “I’ve needed someone to cut my grass ever since my gardeners from El Salvador left to go visit their families after they were devastated by gang violence. Thanks, Obama!”

Like its sister organization that also reject applicants, 4Newton will follow the time-honored tradition of rejecting people looking to do service and  looks to only accept the best of the best volunteers on campus, and none of “those annoying little shits who actually want to help people out and not add this prestige to their resume.” The VSLC announced that openings would be limited to specific humanities majors, such as English, Philosophy, Theology, and Studio Art, as the general consensus is that these students are “the most likely to wind up performing these tasks later on in life anyways.”

At press time, the VSLC has repeatedly denied claims that the unveiling of 4Newton is in any way connected with BC’s attempts to get building permits from the City of Newton.

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