Male Enrollment In Stats Spikes After Professor Differentiates Between Mean and Median Saying “Size Doesn’t Matter”

CREVICES OF GASSON HALL — Upon the return to campus and commencement of classes, Boston College’s administration has noted an abrupt increase in registration for the introductory class PSYC 1120: Behavioral Statistics. The administration typically expects interest in leading courses such as “Talk Tuah — An Intersectional Approach to Communications” or “Raised Right — The Repression of the Republican Party,” but this year has marked an unprecedented shift. A T.A. of one of the Behavioral Statistics sections, Prabaly Bott (MCAS ‘28), gave us some insights into this shocking switch-up: “After being pantsed for years because of my interest in the psyche, it’s so satisfying to see all these guys flocking to this course like little bitches. It’d be an understatement to say this isn’t the statistical surprise of the century. Has invited some reallyyyy attractive outliers…”

A simultaneous influx of male students frequenting the Gasson basement was flagged by the underfunded counseling team. We pondered what the correlation between the two events might be: perhaps a plot to further weaponize the manipulative male movement, or a coup to rid campus of “boof liberal brainwashing,” as earlier threatened by male members of intramural squash. 

Thankfully, our contemplations were cut short by a male student currently enrolled in Behavioral Statistics. While slurping down his Trenti dragonfruit mango refresher, Peetite Dik (CSOM ‘27) revealed himself as the “birds behind the bees” (we remain unclear of his exact meaning). Dik proceeded to admit, “I am the Wolf of Wall Street, the wizard behind the wisdom if you’re pickin’ up what I’m smackin’ down. But I won’t go on bein’ a gluttonous goober and claim all the credit. This migration, comparable to that of the Great Migration of the 1900’s if I were to scale it, really sprouted from my prof’s yappin’ in all this statistical linguinism.” Dik paused to pop a Zyn and recount his professor, “She was gettin’ into the nitty gritty of mean and median, when she clarified that the magnitude in median was bull, and the magic was in personality and like humor and shi. I resonated with that, so I took it to my bois and the rest is history.” 

The troops were rallied as an extensive pack of men formed a “Mind Over Magnitude” support group, to call attention to the “unrealistic and objectifying expectations surrounding male genitalia” as written in their mission statement. As a community, MOM looks forward to finally shedding light on relevant struggles on campus.   

At presstime, the Classic was informed that Dik’s previously popped Zyn was actually Viagra. 

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