Panic Spreads As Roanoke APPA Group Disappears Over Spring Break

ROANOKE, Va. — As break ends, we’ve seen daylight extend, man ankles return, and heinous Punta Cana tan lines emerge. One thing we’ve unfortunately yet to see? The safe return of the APPA group assigned to Roanoke.

The unknowing group of upstanding Boston College students embarked on their quest to be better than us and take Instagram pictures, but nobody could’ve expected what was to come. On their quest to love, learn, and serve while everyone was blacked out in the Caribbean, it seemed their group’s ambitions were too great and holy for this world to fathom. 

Desperately in search for answers, several students have pitched some of their theories and explanations to the Classic:

1. Abduction by woodland creatures
2. APPA is just a cover, and they booked a flight for Fort Lauderdale this week
3. Built a tower too close to the heavens, and God confused their language as punishment for their blasphemy
4. Flat tire on I-95
5. At home strokin’ it
6. Sucked into a wormhole and transported to the first APPA
7. Assimilation into a nearby local tribe or an attack from the Spanish, or maybe migration due to famine
8. “Wrong Roanoke dumbass!”
9. Spent the week building an ark and currently collecting two of every animal
10. Currently receiving Nobel Prizes for their work towards the betterment of mankind

The only remnant of the group’s disappearance was a marking left on a tree that reads:

Heart so full, found my new family – Boston College APPA ‘26 <3

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