ALERT: Everyone Else Is In Class Today, Idiot! Now Your Professor Hates You
Big IssuesCampus CultureWTF February 23, 2026 The New England Classic
YOUR CLASS RIGHT NOW — Bet you thought school was cancelled, dummy! You half-read one email and think there’s a snow day? Your drooling, caveman-looking ass didn’t even bother to notice the “P.S. Sike!” written at the bottom of the email. Everyone else saw it, but not you!
For the first time, each one of your classes has near perfect attendance. A total of 249/250 people in your 9:00 AM lecture are all happy, present, and ready to learn! Your professor is so proud of them. But you, you specifically, are absent. Fucking moron! Everyone is laughing at you!
When asked about your absence, your professor said, “I have less contempt for the man who killed my father. That murderer deserves more respect than that imbecilic swine who dares call themself deserving of a good grade. If they graduate, I will have failed my one true mission in life.”
During this class that you never even bothered to show up to, your professor gave an exam worth 40% of your grade, assigned a project, and put up photos of the final exam on his lecture slides so all of your classmates would know what to expect. None of this will be available on Canvas, none of your classmates will share their notes with you, and there are no make-up exams offered.
At press time, your classmates were seen discussing how they are going to pretend they still like you, but will giggle mean, inside jokes to each other whenever you contribute to a class discussion.
