Inspired By Hegseth, Leahy Brings Together All Fathers To Discuss The Jesuits Plan

GASSON HALL — Inspired by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth’s recent general-summoning jamboree, University President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J., has reportedly called together every Father, Monsignor, Deacon, and vaguely-clerical-looking guy on campus for what insiders are describing as “a dry run for the Jesuits’ plan for religious world domination.”

The emergency meeting, held behind closed doors in Gasson 100, was said to feature rows of folding chairs, a projector playing The Exorcist, and enough incense to hotbox a confessional. Attendees were instructed to shave their beards to “the highest male standard” and wear black cassocks with the buttons undone “to show we still fuck with fashion.”

According to leaks, the first item on the agenda was the official rebrand of Boston College’s theology department as the Department of Religious War. “It’s time the Jesuits stop pretending we’re just about education and start preparing for battle,” said Fr. Tony “Two-Masses-a-Day” O’Shaughnessy (STM ’97). “Our enemies will tremble before our superior knowledge of Thomistic metaphysics and our absolutely unhinged Eucharistic cardio regimen.”

Students reported seeing dozens of Fathers marching across Linden Lane in formation, chanting, “Body of Christ, Blood of Christ, Domination of Earth!” One sophomore claimed the priests were practicing bayonet drills using oversized communion wafers. “It was kinda hot, not gonna lie,” said Marissa Cantrell (CSOM ’27). 

Perhaps the most controversial moment came when Fr. Leahy allegedly demanded that any priest who disagreed with the “Religious World Domination Agenda” submit their resignation on a sticky note and slide it under the tabernacle. 

Despite the secrecy, details of the plan have begun to spread across campus. Rumored initiatives include:

• Annexing Newton Campus “once and for all” and converting it into a Jesuit-only retreat center

• Excommunicating the Improv Comedy Club for “mocking the mysteries of the faith”

• Replacing every statue of St. Ignatius with one where he’s jacked and shirtless, “to inspire the youth”

In a closing statement, Fr. Leahy reminded his troops, “We’ve let too many Protestants get away with shit. It’s time to take back the reins. And by reins, I mean every pulpit, pew, and parish potluck on this Earth.”

When asked for comment, Campus Ministry simply responded, “Amen, bitch.”

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