“Wanna See My nephew?”: How Is This Freshman I Know Already An Uncle?

IN LINE AT HILLSIDE—As February rolls around, the air gets crisper, waking up becomes harder, and it’s finally acceptable to be seen eating lunch with a freshman. That mentee you’ve been randomly assigned to is no longer just that: you now even “catch up” in the elevator on the way to class. So, like any other connection-seeking, I’m-gonna-change-this-kid’s-life Senior, Ash Tonnisht (LSEHD ’25) invited Uncle Brian (Undecided ’28) to lunch.

“I really wanted to know what makes Brian tick, so I said, ‘screw the pleasantries! How many siblings do you have?’” recalled Tonnisht. “And his response shook me to my core.”

“Yeah, I’ve been an uncle for a pretty long time now,” Uncle Brian told the Classic, “My nephew and I, we actually did karate together, but the place went out of business. We were gonna earn our orange belts together, but, like I said, the place went out of business.”

As Tonnisht tried to grapple with this shocking revelation, lunch quickly turned sour. Spewing insults at Uncle Brian like “he’s not even that cute” and “your sister must fuck like a rabbit,” Tonnisht relinquished, albeit involuntarily, his position as Uncle Brian’s “role model.” Instead, Uncle Brian will learn to rely on figures like hourglass, slim thick, and pear for the remainder of his collegiate years.

In the Classic’s investigation as to why Tonnisht is yet to afford the bragging rights of unclehood, we quickly found that his older sister (Wesleyan ’21) describes her sex life as “exploratory” and “Brooklyn nightclub.”

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