Telling People Your ACT Score, And 10 More Surefire Ways To Protect Your Virginity
Dear Children of God at Boston College,
Question for the culture: are there T.V. shows anymore that aren’t just soft-porn? What about those impious M&Ms dressing like total sluts? Do you think college students know that there’s an antibiotic resistant strain of super-gonorrhea on the rise? With the world around us succumbing to these sinful desires, how do we protect the sliver of purity that remains?
Lucky for you, my first book Get on Your Knees: Generational Reclaiming of Prayer is now available at all major bookstores. Brought to you in special partnership with the Catholic Church, you can secure your place in Heaven for just $29.95! In the spirit of generosity, I’m offering a never before seen sneak peek into my work.
Chapter 1: Telling People Your ACT Score, and 10 Other Surefire Ways to Protect Your Virginity
- You got a 34 (35 superscore) and everyone else who got into the same university as you NEEDS to know it. Find a way to drop it into conversation even if it doesn’t relate to the topic at hand!
- So you just took Principles of Economics…that makes you an expert! Speak with unshakable certainty on every economic concept that exists. Bonus points if you bring up the trickle down economy.
- If you’re looking for a particularly unflattering cut and color of pants, give light wash skinny jeans a shot! For extra assurance, make sure they have some rips.
- Tell potential suitors that you lived in Barcelona/London/Sydney instead of studied abroad. If you really wanna stay safe, totally commit to the accent you naturally picked up over four months. With this, I can guarantee absolutely nobody is gonna wanna get in your pants!
- LinkedIn requests!! Relationships should be about more than just intimacy. With this nifty trick, you can assure that any potential future partners are aware of your passion for networking.
- Special tip for my male readers: if you really wanna scare away girls, all you have to do is tell her how PSYCHO CRAZY your ex is when all you did was cheat on her with her best friend and lie to her about it.
- So what if your professor has decades of experience in the field and a PhD?! You did your own research (saw one TikTok) on the topic before taking the class. Don’t be afraid to interrupt and correct your professor.
- Call movies films.
- Another one for the guys! If you’re ever talking to a girl and you worry it’s becoming sexual just use subtle misogyny. Go ahead and try to reclaim “bitch” in casual conversation as a man. Some other options include “don’t you think her outfit is a little slutty” or “Kanye didn’t do anything wrong to Taylor Swift, all she does is write songs about her exes anyway” for extra protection.
- More tips and tricks for the ladies – men hate politically informed women. Mention how you voted in a local election and he’ll be turned off for sure.
- Mispronounce gnocchi. The correct pronunciation has been in the news and all over the internet for years. If you say it wrong, anyone who wanted to sleep with you will now know you’re an uninformed freak.