Daylight Savings Opens A Daylight Checkings Account

TD BANK — The annual custom of turning the clocks back an hour produces earlier nights, colder weather, and darker and sadder thoughts. The one thing that people seem to forget, however, is the yearly bankruptcy of Daylight Savings. Each November, Daylight Savings ends, and with it comes any of its remaining balance. Thankfully, the Classic recently scheduled an appointment for Daylight to meet with TD Bank representative Ben Kerr to better handle its finances.

“What shocks me the most is that Daylight is 114 years old and has never had a checking account,” Kerr said. “And somehow they signed some weird fucking contract where their accounts just clear every year.”

“Banks were a whole lot different back then,” Daylight claimed. “I had to switch banks like four times because each of my bankers kept dying from influenza, not to mention World War One.”

Despite the shift toward modern banking, Daylight never saw it important to open an account that would keep his money. Instead, they pumped their remaining money into government programs across the world before their funds would disappear.

“Operation Torch, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Sputnik II, Berlin Wall Collapse? Yep, that was all thanks to me,” Daylight proudly asserted.

As their new Checking account is officially open, Daylight can no longer support these efforts. Compiling their money from local and off-shore accounts, Daylight now has over $3 billion in their single TD Bank Student Checking Account (its numbers are 53773027917).

At press time, Daylight was seen at a BetMGM Sportsbook betting the $3 billion on Boston College Basketball to win the ACC.

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