CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Mary Ann’s Bar, the beloved local watering hole frequented by Boston College students for decades, was sold last week to the most magical company in the world.
In the wake of its impending acquisition of 21st Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company has purchased Mary Ann’s for an unprecedented $1.51 billion. Disney has begun a long-term plan to turn the bar from a drinking establishment with only the bare necessities to an enjoyable environment for families and piss-drunk savages alike.
Along with Mary Ann’s comes the slew of problems that have been plaguing the dive bar for years. Any bar near a college campus will have to deal with the unfortunate reality of underage drinking. Instead of trying to discourage such a heinous crime, Disney is inviting the underage to be their guest by selling its famous $3 Narrangansetts in $12 souvenir cups.
Mary Ann’s has typically been closed during the day, but the Disney execs reportedly see this as a missed opportunity. A press release concerning the acquisition indicates that the bar will now not only be open 20 hours a day, but will now have Disney’s famous character breakfasts featuring photo ops with Donald, Goofy, and maybe even Baldwin!
Once night hits, the bar will really become “A Whole New World.” Lines to the bathroom will be a thing of the past, thanks to Disney’s FastPass system. That stupid, overpriced jukebox is to be replaced by the animatronic Country Bears Band.
Reports indicate that the television sets will be reprogrammed show the Star Wars prequels on a loop. The drink menu will be expanded, offering pre-order tickets to Doctor Strange 4: The Strangening and the next eight Star Wars movies.
Patrons will soon be able to end their night with a stroll through a massive gift shop selling everything from Mickey Mouse-shaped shot glasses to the only remaining VHS copy of The Song of the South. And don’t you dare try to leave before trying out the rebranded Green Monster shot! Not named after the Hulk, Jabba the Hut, or even Mike Wazowski. This time it’s named after the real green monster—Kermit the Frog.
Disney hopes to keep the MA’s brand strong and alive for years to come. A script for a Mary origin movie, followed by an Ann’s solo film and the eventual Mary Ann’s team up in 2024, has been green-lighted at the studio.