The New England Classic
OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

Big IssuesOpinion February 20, 2018 The New England Classic

There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve... OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about the real killer in this country: condoms.

There, I said it. Condoms. Rubbers. Skins. Weiner-Balloons. While all of you blasphemous, pot-smoking, jean-ripping debutantes were out using public transportation and skinning your knees, thousands of your peers on campus were dragged into the merciless trap of contraceptive barriers.

Let me be perfectly clear about something: nowhere in the entirety of Holy Scripture is it mentioned that guns kill people. John never mentioned an AR-15 heralding The Rapture. The Neo-Babylonians didn’t take Jerusalem with Winchesters. But you know what’s definitely in there? Condoms.

Take this passage from Genesis 38:8, “But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his seed on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.”

The evidence is right there, ladies and gentlemen. This man decided to spare his sister-in-law the trauma of having to carry her dead husband’s brother’s child by pulling out and firing off a couple rug-stainers. By accepting the living, breathing nature of Scripture and translating that story into a modern context, it’s crystal clear through translation that we’re reading the story of a man who put on a condom, wasted his load, and thusly was smote.

It’s totally ridiculous to consider that a document written any more than 200 years ago wouldn’t need to be reevaluated in a modern setting to make sure its rules and laws were being interpreted and executed fairly, and so we must take what was written in a historically different context than our own as simple advice that should be altered to fit the way the world works today.

It’s all right there. If you put on a condom, you will die. What if God had worn a condom? There would never have been a Jesus. What if Martin Sheen had worn a condom? No Breakfast Club. What if Bill Clinton had worn a condom? He’d still be president!

This campus has lived long enough in the depths of depravity and sin. These are dangerous tools, which should not be allowed into the hands of students on a college campus. Nobody has any reason to own or distribute their own condoms. Even licensed medical professionals, who claim to need them for protection, can’t prove that a condom is any more effective at stopping a disease from spreading than a quick prayer.

So the next time you’re sitting in class, thinking about that radical protest you’re headed to or about that killer sex you’re about to have, look at the people to your right and left. Statistically, they and you are going be killed by condoms. And it’s your fault. I’m begging you, make the right choice and save this campus. Say no to condoms, say no to these hell-bent referendum-writers, and save yourself for the only partner who matters: the Good Lord.