Freshman Takes Off Mask For Halloween
LES MODULARS — Jake Griffin (CSOM ‘20) caused shock, confusion, and a worrying amount of arousal to a number of students with his controversial choice of Halloween costume this year. In spite of the temptation to dress as ‘Sexy Steve Addazio’ or ‘Sassy Stuart Lunch Lady,’ Jake took a different approach, deciding that the time was right for him to finally remove the mask he had been wearing since Orientation Session 4 this summer. Jake spent the entirety of Saturday night acting like his genuine self, shedding the myriad facades and lies he had been living since making his first impressions on the heights.
Despite his well-intentioned earnestness, Jake reported that none of his friends understood his costume, and he spent the entirety of the night explaining himself. “I would have to be like, ‘Okay, so, I metaphorically took a potato-peeler to my face and dug into my soft, smooth skin to reveal my true self underneath, do you understand now? It’s like I’ve been wearing a costume since you met me, and I’m finally taking it off. I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not, like a casual hook-up, and to enjoy things that I don’t really enjoy, like binge-drinking, in order to fit in with my hallmates and make friends so I don’t have to eat dinner in Stuart alone, and so I have people to go out with that can get me into parties on the weekends,’ and people would still look at me all confused,” said Jake. “Like Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas said, ‘This is real, this is me. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.’”
In an exclusive interview in the Chocolate Bar, Jake expanded upon just how “wonderful” he felt about letting his proverbial fake flesh, which he has worn for the last number of months, fall to the floor. “It’s just such a relief that I can finally be myself,” mentioned Jake, who went on to explain that he hasn’t felt this happy since his senior year of high school, when he and his best friends would get high and look at Internet memes. “The beginning of freshman year turned me into someone who thought he wanted to get drunk and sing along to ‘Closer’ with a handful of guys from my floor and their girlfriends from Club Field Hockey. Boy, was I wrong,” concluded Jake, who elaborated on his previous point by saying that everyone he’s surrounded himself with at school is an extension to his mask, and he needs to begin slowly shedding them from his life, as well.
Jake’s mask has made him a popular figure in the class of 2020, and classmates report that he is frequently seen exiting Eagle’s Nest with a fine lady wrapped around his left arm and a meatball panini in his right hand. Jake’s decision to shed this mask has led peers like Mark Martinez (MCAS ‘20) to question his logic: “Why give up a good thing?” asked Martinez. “Jake had it all going for him. It’s hard as hell to be a freshman guy and thrive, but he was somehow pulling it off. Yet he decided to throw it all away on All Hallow’s Eve, when he could’ve just been something spooky. I don’t get it.”
Rumors have been spreading on Newton Campus that Jake actually ripped his face off, which sports-jersey-clad intramural stars have been meeting with reactions such as, “That’s raw as hell” and, “The dude literally peeled his face off just to make a point about campus culture? That’s fucking weird. What’s wrong with people? I’m going to bed.”
At press time, Jeff admitted that he would probably put his mask back on if that’s something Katie from his Courage To Know class would be into.