Insufferable Freshman Still Complaining About Living On Newton
DUCHESNE EAST (UGH, IT SUCKS)—The eye rolls in Stuart Dining Hall were audible late last week when Moe Vaughn was overheard complaining about living on Newton Campus. Although bitching about living on the satellite campus is a typical coming-of-age tradition for roughly 40% of the freshman class each year, most students eventually grow out of this phase, typically by the end of the first semester. However, confidential sources close to Vaughn report that he has remained adamant in expressing his Newton woes during every possible social interaction, even after 8 months of living in the “Not-So-Promised Land.”
“All he ever does is whine about the bus and having to wake up early,” explained Vaughn’s current roommate Morty Merschman. “You would think at this point he would’ve warmed up to the campus’s ‘close and tight-knit community’ or at least bought into the lie about learning to love it, just like everyone else does. I don’t even know where the guy is living next year; whenever I mention the word ‘housing’ he just breaks out into tears and starts blubbering about the Quonset Hut.”
Merschman, who had just recently completed his application for the International Studies department’s Ethics and International Social Justice program, went on to rant to Vaughn about the sheer ridiculousness of his kvetching. “Yes, living on Newton for nine months of your life is definitely nowhere near as convenient as living on Upper, no contest there. But in the greater scheme of things, does it really matter? Only 7 percent of the world population is fortunate enough to obtain a college education, and the UN estimates that there are 1.6 billion people in the world living without safe and adequate housing. Bitch all you want about having to sit on a shuttle-bus for seven minutes every time you travel to and from your world-class education, but at some point you should acknowledge that there are some people out there who will never even have the privilege of stepping onto a bus in the first place, you insufferable claude! And another thing—stop masturbating in the room at night when you know for a fact that I’m still awake! That’s what’s truly fucked up about your housing situation, bro.”
We reached out to Vaughn for comment; however, at press time, he was too busy lighting up in the Newton Woods (a natural resource that every Upper stoner or Syrian refugee would die for) to share his side of the story.