The NEC Endorses An Autocratic Monarchy For UGBC Executive Presidency
FROM THE CLASSIC’S EDITORIAL BOARD:
Like a potato reaching the apex of golden crispiness in an oven at a roasting 375ºF, the UGBC presidential campaign season is drawing near its end. After several contentious debates and extensive campaigning, the field has narrowed to only three teams, who have all faced major criticism or scandal at one point or another. (You know what we mean. It was terrible, disrespectful, and against the Jesuit values that this institution sometimes stands for, you know, when it feels like it.)
We at The New England Classic know that the sheeple in the Boston College community depend on our strong journalistic wits to think for them. With this confidence in mind, we are pleased to offer our official endorsement for the 2016 UGBC presidential race: An autocratic monarchy. We need less of the outlandish “Bernie-is-my-dad” liberal mindset and more ruthless use of military power and police force to keep the peons behaved. Bow down and obey, plebeians!
Let us not mince words here: Democracy has failed. On both the national scale and on our campus, the experiment of government by the people and for the people has proven to be naive and antiquated. Don’t believe us: Try to imagine, if you will, a voter of “average” intelligence. Now, remember that half of the American population is dumber than that person. Not yet convinced the demise of democracy is nigh? Two words: Dronald Thrump. After 240 years, the American voters have become like bloated, rapacious swine, who gleefully devour whatever half-cooked, inarticulate, ideological babble their greedy, demagogic “leaders” deign to spew.
And as for UGBC, the situation is hardly any better. We cannot, in good conscience, be party to such an affront to justice and order, both human and divine. Our Dear Lord cries tears of sorrow and agony when he looks upon the audacity of such a group as UGBC. What fools we have been! Our forefathers so foolishly raised themselves to the level of God Himself, daring to say, in defiance of all logic, revelation and reason that they ought to be sovereign! Better they should have spit in God’s face.
We here at The New England Classic, while enjoying a light hearted jest every now and again, recognize that the divinely instituted order of rulers and ruled, king and subject, and lord and vassal is no joking matter. For the people to rule themselves is as ignorant as saying that Boston College ought to divest from fossil fuels, the most traditional and revered of all fuels, or make construction plans with the handicapped in mind.
We, of course, understand the appeal of democracy, but we understand even better its insurmountable shortcomings. If one day, God willing, power is concentrated in the hands of a lone monarch, many of the problems which so plague our political system would simply disappear. The inefficacy of UGBC would be the problem of a distant past, for the Kings’ will alone would rule and would be written in stone. Concerned about financial aid? Promise the gracious and generous king an eventual tithing of gold, and he shall be good to your needs. Further, monarchy would create hundreds, if not thousands, of jobs. A king would demand servants to bathe him, tend to him, and laugh sycophantically at every joke that comes leaves his golden tongue. He would also need courtesans, chancellors, falconers, even dapifers and eunuchs. What’s more, we needn’t look too far for a man to fill these silk slippers: there are still plenty of surviving Hapsburgs, Bourbons, and Hohenzollerns who would gladly assume the crown if ever it were offered to them. And the kicker: there would be no need for elections! Simply pass the crown to the son with the fewest genetic mutations!
We obviously realize that our views lack popular appeal. But we also know with the deepest depths of our minds and souls that the monarchical order is the only one that can guarantee security, stability and prosperity. We also realize that talk of subjugation and autocracy can often offend the rather tender sensibilities of many. But we also believe that deep down every student wishes to have a strong, powerful ruler who will rule with an iron fist and be second in the hearts of his subjects only to God himself. Look into your heart, and you will find that deep down, no amount of “popular sovereignty” or “human rights” or “freedom” can ever fill the longing we all have for legitimate authority to rule us, tax us, and tell us what to think.
Absolute power is not just our answer: It is the only answer.