Fr. Leahy Announces Ambitious 10 Year Plan Of Keeping Things Exactly How They Are
ST. MARY’S HALL — Inspired by the historic lack of discourse about policy and reform proposals in the 2016 presidential election, university president Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., held a private press conference on Friday to announce his bold new vision for the next ten years of academic, infrastructural, and ideological development at Boston College. Speaking before a hand-selected group of reporters and an inner circle of trusted administrators who had been tasked with conceptualizing and carrying out the university’s Ten Year Institutional Master Plan, Leahy reaffirmed his plans to double down on the deliberate lack of any radical changes on campus with his announcement of the 2016-2026 strategic planning initiative, Progress Doesn’t Mean Being Progressive.
“This lack of change has been one of the most defining characteristics of my tenure here at Boston College, and the hallmark of a strong Catholic university. I don’t see any reason to start doing anything differently now,” explained Leahy to thunderous applause.
“In Catholic higher education, we all recognize the struggle of staying true to our Catholic values while also thinking of ways of catering to millennials’ diverse needs, such as straying from the traditional meanings of ‘marriage’ and ‘gender’ or divesting our university’s endowment from an industry laden with violence and greed. When faced with these modern issues, we must ask ourselves, ‘What’s a priest to do?’ And the answer should be a resounding, ‘Eh, nothing,’ because the Catholic Church has been comfortably running the Western world for thousands of years, and we needn’t start doing anything differently now. As the years go on, students will continue to voice their problems with one thing or another, but the best part is they’ll be gone in four years, and then a whole new batch of concerned students has to incubate. As long as we continue to suppress problems and ignore progress, we’ll comfortably hold our spot as a top university that Catholic kids went to because they didn’t get into Notre Dame or Georgetown.”
Leahy went on to explain details of Progress Doesn’t Mean Being Progressive, proposing expansions on the university’s policy of needing to petition to practice free speech and his desire to keep Steve Addazio around until at least the commencement of the 2026 football season, among other things. “Basically, love it or hate it, all of these problems are here to say,” concluded Leahy. “My greatest hope is that when this year’s graduating class returns to Chestnut Hill for their ten-year reunion, they’ll be greeted by the same out-of-touch campus climate that has been the subject of criticism for decades. We’re actually considering permanently abandoning all plans for the empty lot where Edmond’s used to stand as a symbolic act of our dedication to stifling progress, because even the simple construction of a new athletics complex would be too forward-thinking for our current ambitions.”
At press time, many of the Catholic Church’s top officials from around the nation had begun speaking out against this new policy, as many believe that Leahy’s proposed program does not go far enough in its efforts to do nothing.