ROTC Battalion “Liberates” Mod Party They Weren’t Invited To
Dorm StuffDrinkingStudent Life March 26, 2026 The New England Classic
MOD EXCLUSION ZONE — On March 25th at 0100 hours, the Boston College Sigma Battalion led a ground invasion into Mod 1B after hours of tension and communication delays between alleged “friends.” At the time, Mod 1B was hosting a champagne and shackles party for the Boston College Democrats.
This attack came mere minutes after squad leaders posted “wtm” and “any1 know of a func??” on private stories, hinting that the nature of the attack was retaliatory. Witnesses described the invasion itself as violent, yet shockingly clumsy. Although no numbers have been declassified yet, reports from NGOs have put injury numbers at a minimum of 6 stubbed toes for the Sigma Battalion and 2 hangovers for the residents and friends.
In an official statement the next morning on Fizz, battalion leader Alex Whole (CSOM ‘26) declared the operation a “great success.”
“For weeks now, these agents of deceit have put this campus and its allies at risk,” said Major A. Whole. “They’ve made innocent people, not at all unlike me and my troops, feel like they’re friends with us and then they never ask us to hang out like ever. Intel also suggests that despite swearing to sobriety at the 2025 Kairos retreat, they were harboring instruments of mass intoxication.”
The aftershock of this major military operation has been felt throughout campus. The strait of Vandy, a major throughway running between the Mod’s fence and the back of the dorm, has been closed, spiking travel times enormously. Despite this, Mod residents have not backed down. Counterstrikes have been launched calling ROTC “lame” and “enlisting with extra steps.”
Although it’s too early to tell the extent of the damage this operation will cause for both sides, it is certain that no one will leave unscathed.
At press time, residents were explaining to confused ROTC fighters that the handcuffs were purely for sex stuff.
