Oh No! Dad Plans To Paint Himself In Maroon And Gold For Parents Weekend Game

YOUR ROOMMATE’S FRIEND’S COUSIN’S FRIEND’S TAILGATE — A weekend full of meals on your Dad’s Amex and awkward tailgate talk is upon us. It’s not Coachella – it’s Parents Weekend! While most students are stuck worrying about how many beers they can crush at the game without blacking out in front of their parents (data analysis by the Classic suggests 11), Morty Fied (CSOM ‘28) has a more pressing issue at hand.

“My Dad just called me and asked how serious BC really is about their Jesuit values. I thought it was because he wanted to show my younger brother how wholesome and coquette this school is, so I told him they’re quite serious,” said Fied. “He then asked me how nudity would fit into this so-called Jesuit propaganda.”

When questioned by the Classic, Fied said this was not, in fact, a philosophical question. Just this morning, his Dad bought the entire shelf of body paint at their local Home Depot with plans to “strip down (ALL the way), lather up, and show his Boston College spirit.”

Boston College’s official stance on nudity is quite clear, and even posted in all dorms next to other important statements like “What brings you joy?” and “Who does the world need you to be?”: “You can’t be nude on campus unless you are being baptized in the St. Ignatius fountain or are a member of the men’s swim team.”

Fied reports his dad is really dialing in on the school spirit. In fact, Mr. Fied Facetimed Morty earlier today, flexing in the mirror to “make sure the paint doesn’t crack” and also “making sure the shade of maroon hits in all the right places.”

The following email was sent to the undergraduate student body Friday morning:

Dear Students, 

As this weekend approaches, please be aware that some parents will go to extreme measures in an attempt to display school spirit, including but not limited to: interpretive dances, summoning major trauma, and body-painting. With that being said, we would like to reiterate some of the University’s most important policies:

-NO NUDITY!!!! I SWEAR!! (unless previously inspected and approved by Bill O’Brien)

-BANNED ITEMS IN ALUMNI STADIUM: bags over 8×12 and your will to live

-BTW: St. Ignatius is offering extra confessions on Sunday (that Catholic Guilt will get ya!)

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