TikTok Ban Edges America: We’ll See What’s to Come
Uncategorized January 22, 2025 The New England Classic

OHIO – For about 15 hours, the source of all our news, vocabulary, and dopamine was taken away. Insiders say that the TikTok CEO and American government were influenced by new sensation: “edging.” Edging is a delayed gratification phenomenon, typically used in a sexual nature, but also can be applied to other areas that create that type of orgasmic pleasure – like watching a TikTok with an “Am I the Asshole?” audio and a visual split screen of Young Sheldon and Subway Surfers.
For the prolonged period before TikTok was finally allowed to cum (thanks to President Trump!) frequent users turned to other dopamine inducers such as Instagram Reels, Fizz, and cocaine. Brian Rott (MCAS ‘28), with an average of 15 hours of screen time was put in a tumultuous position for the 15 hours the Tiktok Ban was edged. “It was like the worst blue balls I’ve ever gotten.” Rott made sure to follow his favorite creators, the Costco Guys, the Rizzler, Baby Gronk, and Livvy Dunne on Instagram just in case the TikTok Ban tries to edge America again. At press time, the Classic pulled Rott aside for an interview, who looked up from his phone to say, “Skibidi Gyatt Rizz,” before returning to scrolling.
To celebrate, Cask ‘N Flagon is hosting a Second Cumming of TikTok Party TONIGHT! Code BOOM for 69% off!