“I Have No Idea Why Everyone Is Sick” Says Classmate Who Just Spat In Your Mouth

BIGGEST FUCKING LECTURE HALL AT THIS SCHOOL — As fall weather rolls in, so too does illness (mental and physical). Accordingly, students have been singing along to new hit song “Sick Season,” with the words “I love BC, but it’s the season of the sicks” blaring through almost everyone’s headphones in the library.

While it should be common knowledge that college is a festering ground for strep, coronavirus, and chlamydia, one student isn’t sold. Guy Grossie (CSOM ’23) can’t seem to wrap his head around how illness spreads, or his coloring homework. Grossie, of course, has also fallen victim to the “throat tickle.” He describes the ordeal as “not too bad,” describing it as “a sore throat for only a couple months, debilitating fatigue, and a gnarly cough.”

When speaking on the issue in class, Grossie wrestled through a series of coughs to proclaim, “It just seems like everyone is getting the throat tickle all the sudden.”

Grossie then promptly turned around and hocked a loogie into the open mouth of an unsuspecting neighbor.

With COVID obviously done, over, and completely eradicated, students such as Grossie have been shocked to witness the inexplicable spread of a mysterious illness that in no way could be the one which has been the focus of national news for the past three years.

At press time, Grossie was seen licking all of his classmates’ school supplies and sneezing on the salad bar.

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