The New England Classic
We Got Really Drunk And Ranked All 26 Letters Of The Alphabet

We Got Really Drunk And Ranked All 26 Letters Of The Alphabet

WTF April 15, 2019 The New England Classic

We’re tired of people not taking us seriously as a legitimate source of news and journalism here at BC. So fine, you want real... We Got Really Drunk And Ranked All 26 Letters Of The Alphabet

We’re tired of people not taking us seriously as a legitimate source of news and journalism here at BC. So fine, you want real reporting, you’ll get real reporting. Here’s a ranking of every letter in the alphabet from worst to best.

26) W – The clear choice for last place, and it’s not even close. I’m sure you all saw this one coming. First of all, as has been said many times, it’s not a “double u”, it’s a double v. VV. Also, all the other letters only take up one syllable, but this takes three to say?!?! Fuck you.

25) B – I’m not sure what it is about B, but it really just sucks. It’s just a dull letter. Hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, like some of the other letters in this post, it’s just really lame and annoying for some reason we can’t put our finger on. B is like that roommate whose simple presence just pisses you off for no particular reason.

24) C – What a worthless letter. The only benefit it brings the English language is the “Ch” sound, because otherwise it would be a total waste. The hard c, such as in “cool” could just be replaced with a k, and the soft c, such as in “city”, could just be an s. In other words, c is very replaceable and, for the most part, not even necessary at all.

23) M – Another boring letter. It’s also a W upside down, so fuck that.

22) L – Pretty lame looking, especially in lowercase, and also looks like an uppercase I in some fonts, which is annoying. It’s fun to say “take this L!” but that’s about it.

21) Q – Kind of a cool letter, which is why it’s not at the very bottom, but in utility Q is garbage. It is totally dependent on the letter U, which is pretty weak. Putting Q at the end of words, such as in “thiqq” is fun but is also not actually English.

20) N – Very similar to M and equally as boring, but requires one less stroke and therefore requires less time wasted on it.

19) I – Consensus among experts is that this is the worst vowel, and we agree. Not as cool as U or O, but also not as vital to the language as E or A.

18) P – Nothing special about P itself, but it can be put with H to make the “F” sound, which is dope. Also, “pee”, haha.

17) D – Definitely the most intimidating letter. It just looks big and scary.

16) O – Just a circle, it is a very simple letter, yet very pleasant looking. Also putting a bunch of Os together makes a fun noise.

15) A – It’s a letter, but also the first word in the dictionary. The shape is kind of neat, there’s that little triangle in the middle. Also is the second most frequent letter. Solid.

14) H – It’s like an I but if it fell over, lol. Very structurally sound letter.

13) G – Now entering the top half! G is like the D in the Disney logo, but flipped. It can be soft, like in “gigantic”, or hard, like in “gigantic”.

12) T – Very official-looking letter. Demands respect from those who see it, and it receives our respect with this number 12 ranking.

11) F – The cursive F is beautiful, but unfortunately no one writes in cursive anymore. The normal F is still a nice letter, and gets a bonus because all you have to do is say “the F word” and everyone knows what you’re referring to.

10) R – Lowercase cursive R SUCKS, but again, no one writes in cursive anymore so who cares. R is pretty cool looking, kind of like if P and K had a child. People from Boston choose to ignore this letter for some reason.

9) E – Nothing flashy about E, but it doesn’t need to be flashy. It’s the most commonly used letter in English, which alone is enough to warrant a top 10 spot. You could even say it’s “E-ssential.” Get it? Oh, you did. Ok. I’m very lonely.

8) Y – A very fun shape. Also, in the YMCA dance, the Y is the only one that actually looks like the letter, which has got to count for something. Y also acts as a vowel when it’s at the end of a sentence, but is a consonant everywhere else. Woah! This is why we love the alphabet, folks.

7) K – The most passive aggressive letter. Also is very ominous when you replace a C with a K. For example, doctor seems fine, but doktor is like, woah, I’m scared of that. Also often does it’s job without needing to be acknowledged, such as in “knight”, where it helps distinguish from “night” without needing to be pronounced and drawing attention to itself. Overall, a letter with a wide variety of functions, and yet asks for nothing in return.

6) U – The coolest vowel. First of all, as stated earlier, Q would be useless without it, but U can also hold its own. Strikes a nice balance of being simple to draw, yet still being stylistic. Also has its own turn named after it.

5) V – Another sinister letter. All they did was take a U and make it pointy, and yet it elicits such a different response. Combining what we said about K earlier, the name “Viktor” has got to be the most intimidating name ever. Also “Vladimir” is another scary one. Maybe it’s just Russia that’s scary. Anyway, the point is that V is very good at what it does, thus warranting a top 5 ranking. It’s also a fun noise to make.

4) J – Speaking of fun noises to make, “J.” This letter is the complete opposite of V. J is super fun to say and has a lighthearted appearance. Also, it is arguably the most versatile letter. Say all these words: jump, jalapeño, hallelujah, au jus. That was four different noises, all from one letter. Wow.

3) S – S is in a league of its own as far as shape; nothing else even closely resembles it. Definitely the most fun letter to draw, and another example of a letter that was ruined by cursive. S is like Joe Biden, everyone likes it.

2) Z – The only thing better than having an S in a word is replacing it with a Z. Without a doubt the coolest sounding letter. One of only two Scrabble tiles worth 10 points. Z is also quite useful in telling if someone is a sociopath, because if they put a line through their Z, you know. Looks cool, sounds cool, what more could you want?

1) X – THIS is what more you could want. I mean, come on. Dastardly looking, marks the spot, represents a kiss, symbolizes sex when it’s tripled up, can be rotated 4 ways and still be the same, the list goes on. X is dangerous. X is unique. Words can’t accurately describe how cool X is. We hope you agree.