The New England Classic
OPINION: If Global Warming Is Real, Then Explain To Me Why I Got Hypothermia From Swimming Naked In The Res

OPINION: If Global Warming Is Real, Then Explain To Me Why I Got Hypothermia From Swimming Naked In The Res

Opinion April 11, 2019 The New England Classic

Over the past two decades, there’s been a great deal of concern over global warming and its impending effects on our planet. Be it... OPINION: If Global Warming Is Real, Then Explain To Me Why I Got Hypothermia From Swimming Naked In The Res

Over the past two decades, there’s been a great deal of concern over global warming and its impending effects on our planet. Be it scientists, activists, or Green Party member and 2016 presidential candidate Jill Stein, people around the world are laying out the facts and calling on all nations to do their part in preserving the environment. We need to set the Earth back on track and, as Luke Skywalker put it, to live long and prosper. But to those facts and calls of action, I say bullshit.

For years, I bought into the lies of those desperately pleading for action to end “global warming.” I recycled. I purchased an ACEEE-approved eco-friendly vehicle. I stopped showering to preserve water. For Christ’s sake, I even started peeing in my sink to avoid flushing the toilet! But just last month, I was betrayed.

After sitting alone one night, dutifully reading a pamphlet on rising sea temperatures, I got a sudden itch to go for a swim. Perhaps this itch came from the fact that I hadn’t engaged in any physical activity in several weeks. Or perhaps it was an actual itch caused by fleas gnawing at my filthy skin (a minor side effect of forgoing showering).

Regardless, I needed to swim, and, upon arriving at the Plex, I discovered that the only pool was closed for the night. Lucky for me, the Chestnut Hill Reservoir was only a few hundred feet away. It was my only option.

Despite temperatures in the low twenties, I thought back to my pamphlet on rising sea temperatures, and was MISTAKENLY under the impression that the Res would be suitable for a man to swim in the nude (I don’t own a bathing suit). So I plunged into the murky waters with the moonlight bouncing off my unbathed buttocks. I swam approximately four laps and could have kept going had I not been scared off by a sensual mating dance of a Reservoir goose looking to fornicate with me.

Regardless, just hours after my dip, I was informed I had hypothermia.

Ever since that day, I’ve been on a mission to set the record straight on “global warming.” Has it been easy? Absolutely not. Eco-hoaxers approach me all the time, spreading lies such as “There’s a difference between climate and weather,” “Fossil fuels aren’t a sustainable form of energy,” or “How did you get into my apartment?” There may have been many times when I bought into these fraudulent deceptions. But those times have ended.

So, to those still convinced the Earth is getting warmer, explain to me why I got hypothermia from swimming naked in the Res. Because unlike four of my toes, which may soon have to be removed due to frostbite, the Earth’s remaining days are simply not numbered.