Underground Cockfighting Ring Now Accepts Eagle Bucks

CARNEY BASEMENT — A clandestine chicken-fighting operation in Carney 003 has become the latest Newton business to accept Eagle Bucks, allowing students to easily bet vending machine money on the vicious bloodsport.   

Designating university-backed currency as legal tender at illegal animal-fighting rings has been questioned by many at Boston College, but fans see the expansion as common sense.

“I mean, which would you rather spend money on?” asked ringleader Jacob Whittaker (LSOE ’19), yelling over the sounds of clucking fowl, enthusiastic shouts, and swiping student ID cards. “A Hillside sandwich or another animal’s life?”

Turnout to the weekly event has reportedly tripled since fans were allowed to use “Flat Breads bucks” to gamble on poultry death matches. This increased attendance may be due, in part, to a mistaken belief shared by many fans that Eagle Bucks are fake money. “Why not use it to win big off a small cock?” Whittaker asked.

“We used to have to Venmo our own cash to bet on the winning cock,” said avid fight enthusiast Fr. James Fletcher, SJ, flicking blood off his clerical collar. “Now BC just loads up the card each semester with 180 big ones, and I can put a stake on Baldwin the Battle Borne when he wipes the floor tonight.”

At press time, Baldwin was the last chicken standing, and Eagle’s Nest had acquired another week’s supply of chicken caesar wraps.

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