OP-ED: Whoever Read My OIP Application, I Hope You Study Abroad In Hell
Listen up, asshat. I did everything you sadistic cowards told me to. I played your little games, I jumped through your fascist hoops. I even scheduled out all my upper-level electives.
So. Whomever read my application, I say to you: I hope that you study abroad in hell. When you come back to campus, I hope your time abroad will have changed you only so much as to teach you what true torment feels like, having suffered the wailing and grinding of teeth in the netherworld.
How dare you forbid me to pursue my intercultural passions? I may never again have the opportunity to travel like that. It’s not as though I’m rich or anything. Sure, I’m not poor, either, and we get one or two, like, real vacations a year, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am entitled to some answers for this absolutely asinine decision, which was obviously made without any regard whatsoever for my highly distinguished achievements, academic and sexually, at Boston College. All I pray is that you board a RyanAir flight to the searing-hot irons of Satan’s forge.
The chance to study somewhere else in the world, where English is still primarily spoken, is an opportunity I will likely never have again. I hope this fact weighs on your underemployed conscience for the rest of your miserable existence. It is my only desire that you should find yourself clearing a visa for Tartarus, the final pit of Hades’ unbearable torture.
As I hope I’ve made clear, I was completely and unmistakably wronged by you and your associates’ decision, and will doubtlessly be traumatized by its consequences for the rest of my life. I wish you the best of luck, as you painstakingly request a copy of your transcript and forward it to Midas, the foul judiciary of Pluto’s wicked court. My curse will follow your family for seven times seven generations, and never again may you find peace or fulfillment in the business of international study. I deserved to go to London, damn it. We all deserve better.