Off-Campus Basement Requires Alarmingly Few Changes To Become Murder Dungeon
FOSTER STREET — In the midst of a Saturday night shindig, party-goers at 269 Foster St. noted that the house’s poorly lit basement into which they had gathered required alarmingly few modifications to be turned into a subterranean dungeon in which to induce human suffering.
Noting the cellar’s low ceilings, warped concrete floors, and strong scent of mold, Mollie Starling (MCAS ’19) stated that she believed the transformation into some kind of torture pit would take “at most, like half a day.”
“As it stands right now, it’s not too bad. I mean, the Christmas lights help a little and uh…hmm. Actually, just get rid of the Christmas lights and it’s pretty much there. Actually, you could keep the lights. Just play different music and it’s there right now.”
Starling went on to state that she had no problem imagining several terrified people bound and gagged awaiting their immanent murder at the hands of a serial killer in the very same basement. She also stated that if she were discover a Silence of the Lambs-type well behind a closed closet door she “would not be surprised at all.”
After pointing out several strange stains on the floor, as well as the lone light bulb hanging from the mildew riddled ceiling, Starling claimed she’d “honestly be more surprised if someone hasn’t been murdered or tortured here. Just look around!”
At press time, the blood-curdling screams of agony and Mr. Brightside lyrics could be heard emanating from every basement on the block.