Boston College RAs Now Checking IDs for Church Wine
In keeping with its mission to be one of the safest college campuses in the country, Boston College announced last week that it would begin having RAs card students attempting to receive communion at any on-campus mass. The proposal was initially brought forth by Sarah Loffeler, A&S ‘18, who serves as a member of the Student Disciplinary Committee. A freshman presidential scholar who claims to have “never had a sip of the Devil’s juice” in her life, Loffeler believes that it is only “fair and legal” to prevent students from drinking at communion.
“The drinking age in this country is twenty-one, and so communion at BC is clearly violating some national laws, which I cannot stand for as a moral citizen,” said Loffeler as she sat in O’Neill library doing homework last Friday night. “Besides, minors should not be exposed to dangerous habits such as drinking at such an early age. Does this University have no sense of shame?”
The administration agreed with Loffeler,, and have now placed RAs next to the alter who ask for two forms of ID from students. The university’s spokesperson, Jack Funn, commended Loffeler’s prudence and added that Boston College strives to keep its students safe from the grasp of alcoholism, including circumstances where they just keep getting drunk off church wine because its free. “Bastards,” whispered Funn.
“I’m just doing this for the free housing” said Ronnie Langley (A&S ‘16), an RA and biology major from New Jersey. “Last night some kid came up with a Connecticut ID that didn’t bend and had a shitty hologram, and I told him that he had some nerve trying to pull this shit on me in a place of worship. Kid nearly shat himself.”
Students have reacted negatively to the news, citing the increasingly diminishing opportunity to “get turnt” at Boston College.“First they took Roggies, then they took Arc, then Walsh, and now Church,” said Leo Moroney, A&S ‘17. “What’s next, Shea Field?”
BC hopes to improve upon its carding system by installing a scanner at St. Ignatius Church, as well as undercover BCPD in the pews for any “scoundrels” that might try to bring their own booze into mass.
“Underage drinking? Not on my campus,” said one RA while ripping a cigarette outside Walsh. “Even if it’s Jesus’ blood or whatever.”