“Only Coke When I’m Drinking” And Other New Years Resolutions For Your CSOM Classmate
Campus CultureListsWTF January 14, 2026 The New England Classic
FULTON HALL — With a brand new year comes a fresh start and the motivation to make positive changes. For many, this means a stricter gym schedule, cleaner diet, or more disciplined study habits. For others, though, the quest for self betterment looks a little bit different.
“Lowkey once I got my offer things kinda got off the rails,” said Dee Generette (CSOM ‘27), “… So I definitely wanted to lock the fuck back in this year. We’re gonna be dialed.” Generette was kind enough to share with us some of his aspirations for, as he put it, “the big two-six.” Some of his lofty goals consist of the following.
1. Setting a $250 limit per DraftKings parlay
Finance majors have to be monetarily wise, right? Despite the “automatic” nature of Generette’s parlays and his alleged “ball knowledge,” concerned third parties thought it would be best to set a limit. $250 per parlay was the best they were able to negotiate.
2. Bringing the roster down from eight to four
“I’m a changed man in 2026,” said Generette, “… and I realized that hookups aren’t for me. I’m a settle-down type of guy at heart.” As proof of this new commitment, he ghosted the bottom half of his Snapchat best friends list. “These ones are definitely wife material,” he explained.
3. Only doing coke while drinking
While a little bit of Colombian nose candy is synonymous with Wall Street success and managing director status, even the biggest of indulgers recognize its long-term health consequences. Going off the logic that depressants and stimulants balance out to a net zero, Generette made the pledge to only do blow during the blacked out nights of Circle basement.
4. Undefeated in Tri-Die
A successful 2026 wouldn’t be complete without the utter domination of the decrepit die table of the Foster Street backyard, haphazardly adorned with beer branding and sports logos. Rain or shine, Generette promises to be at the table, honing his throwing form and sharpening his “FIFA” technique. 
