BC Dining Reveals New RFK-Approved Food Pyramid

EAGLES NEST — The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, RFK Jr., has been at the helm of the Trump Administration’s push to “Make America Healthy Again!” While the Classic is unable to discern exactly which period of U.S. healthy-girl-core RFK Jr. yearns to return to, it is clear that he will not stop until every person in the U.S. is drinking raw milk and eating beef testicles (protein dense). 

The nutritional pyramid has undergone several shifts in the last two decades, culminating in a Madam Morrible to Wicked Witch inversion early this year. So long are the days of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and limited meat and dairy products. In RFK Jr.’s vision of health, an ideal diet resembles that of Liver King or perhaps a blood-thirsty hippopotamus in the Nile River. 

The Classic has obtained exclusive access to Boston College Dining Services’ new interpretation of the pyramid. The director of BC Dining, Carnie Vore, says the new BC Food Pyramid “better aligns with the new nutritional standards set by the U.S. Government and ensures our students can fuel their mind, bodies, and carotid artery plaque.” 

The Pyramid outlines five major food groups: Core Power, Chocolate Bar Cookies, Rat Bagels with salmon cream cheese, Late Night Snack Attacks, and limited whole foods. Vore recommends students focus around 75-85% of their daily calories on core powers, which amounts to around $65 per day. With the rest of their meal plan money, Vore suggested a diverse plate of chicken tendies, fries, cookies, salmon cream cheese, along with one singular carrot for dessert.

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