WASP Infestation In The Theology Department: Boston College Catholics Are Stung

ST. MARY’S HALL — After the Boston College extermination team battled the wasps infiltrating the “Rat-io” on Tikka Masala Tuesday, the Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J. Administration decided to take a look inward about the WASP takeover of the Theology Department.

It all started when the Morrissey College of Arts and Sciences decided to implement a new diversity, equity, and inclusion policy that mandated hiring one staff member who crosses their arms over their chest during communion each academic year.

Prior to the policy, Angus Saxon (CSOM ‘28) stated he had felt “out of place” and “like a minority” on campus. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just here to meet a quota,” said Saxon. He is an active member of Club Club Lacrosse and Fulton Leadership Society, but felt he wasn’t representative of the student population.

“Back home in Greenwich, no one batted an eye at doing a line, now it’s like, ‘gotta go to confession after a night out at Two Saints.’ But the saints around here are those weirdos who go to APPA instead of Punta Cana for spring break,” said Saxon.

Holly Masson (LSEHD ‘26) was shocked to find out an Episcopalian would be teaching God, Self, and Society. “If we let a protestant teach the theology core, we might as well let a CSOM student teach ethics.”

Starting in the 2026-2027 academic year, Boston College will be firing the aforementioned Protestant Professor. When asked to comment, Fr. Leahy stated “Upon further review we have decided to continue our tradition of hiring Jesuits as our theology professors, the only faculty with room for incompetency is the football coaches. Thank god I realized the E in DEI didn’t stand for Episcopalian.”

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