Super Generous Boyfriend Shares His Love With Multiple Women

LOWER CAMPUS — For the lucky few who survived the 2022-2023 cuffing season, love is in the air this week! And for a couple of BC women, one man will spread romance, legs, and an unquenchable burning sensation all week long.

Indy Nial (LSOE ’24), has been itching in her seat waiting to celebrate Valentine’s Day with her brand new boyfriend, Ren Throoh (MCAS ’23). After two consecutive 2 a.m. weekend encounters, Nial and Throoh decided to make it official just in time for the most romantic holiday of the year.

“Even though we’ve only been together for three weeks, I can tell Ren is my soulmate,” Nial said. “He’s so sweet; he’s been working night shifts every other night so that he can afford a nice Valentine’s Day gift for me! He knows I’d feel guilty if I knew how hard he was working so he even turns off his location whenever he clocks in. Don’t tell anyone, but I think he’s gonna get me a new perfume – I can tell he’s been sampling a bunch of different ones because I smell them on his clothes when he comes home”.

Elsewhere on campus, several single ladies have found themselves similarly enamored by a mysterious new love interest just in time for Valentine’s Day.

“He sort of just organically popped into my life out of nowhere. It’s been really nice to start dating someone not from a dating app,” Sai Chik (CSON ’26) recounted to the Classic. “Ren is so old fashioned that he doesn’t even have an Instagram and he’s super camera shy.”

Meanwhile, classmates of Throoh were surprised to hear of Nial and Chik. 

“Swear to God I saw him getting in an Uber with two chicks at TITS last weekend,” said one anonymous spectator. “And he had another girl on his arm at the 100 Days Dance. Good for him, I guess.”

The Classic caught up with the elusive and busy Throoh to ask him to clear up the confusion regarding his alleged relationship with Nial. However, we were met by a response clearly indicating that for some men, therapy and a college education just makes them more insufferable.

“Yeah, Indy’s a cool girl,” Throoh said. “She’s hot, she’s fun, she’s game. She likes whatever I like and she never gets mad at me. But all that being said, I think it’s really important that we intrinsically confront the Eurocentric origins of monogamous relationships, and do the proper work to deconstruct these views. My therapist said that as amazing and unique as someone is, you should never let them be the center of your world. The moment that you stop looking for a newer, cooler girl to spend time with is the moment that you lose the tiny shred of free will that still exists for you in rampant, late stage capitalism.”

At press time, Throoh was seen sitting in the Rat with Nial and Chik, weaponizing buzzwords he learned from a BetterHelp consultation.

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